Leia

Well I have not spoke alot about my baby girl who was named Leia Rose MacKay. I found out that I was pregnant with her in October. I have had some miscarriages before, all thru out the years of having kids so when I heard I was prego, I just thought well it will just end prematurely, even though inside I really wanted this baby. So everyday I worried. It didn't help that we were building a house so Aaron and I were daily stressed out. I was worried about finding the right doctor up here. But inside I felt like i couldn't tell anyone about being prego. I told Aaron and he just stressed out more. I went into a doctor finally When I was 15 weeks. The did a vaginal ultrasound and found out the baby's heartbeat sounded good, but my placenta was what they call placenta previa. So when my doctor told me those words I just worried and had a bad feeling. I wasn't to go back in till my 20 week ultrasound where we were going to find out the sex of the baby and see if the placenta moved. So I had five long weeks, a week before we were to go in I asked Aaron if we should tell the kids Tre and Cali. We were nervous to ell them but excited because we knew they would love a new sister or brother. But I had a deep feeling I shouldn;t but my 15 week apointment seemed ok, the doctor was extremely optomistic that the placenta wouldn't be a problem. So we took Tre and Cali out to Mexican food and told them. They couldn't wait to know what we were having. I to;d them they could go to my appointment with me. Which was to be on the first day of spring break 2008. My sister Chelsea got back from Hawaii and I had to tell her but I told her she had to keep it on the down low for a while. The day finally came March 10 2008 the kids and i were so excited we got ready early and headed into town since we lived an hour away. I drankk so much water I had to pee before going badly. We went into the ultrasound lobby and waited. I tried to prepare the kids and explain what we should see on the computer screen during an ultrasound. But something inside if me wanted them to also be prepared that it can show a problem with the baby if there is one. I don't know why but even the night before in bed I just couldn't feel movement and I had a bad feeling. But Aaron I remebe said that I always worry and think negatively so I should stop. We walked back to this room, the kids sat on the couch. The lady put all that nasty warm jelly all over my belly. And then rubbed around looking, looking, looking but nothing. It wasn't my first go around I had a few ultrasounds before I knew instantly, but I didn't want to believe that it could be true... My baby was dead. The ultrasound lady couldn't say anything which was rude I thought she acted wierd and went out of the room to get someone else to examine the screen. The kids we asking questions like wheres the baby, whats going on, They could see the sadness I was so trying hard to hide, and I said the baby had died there was no heartbeat. Finally the lady and a man return to the room and said we are so sorry but there was not heartbeat, and I need to go to my doctors office immediately. We made it back to the car as soon as we could. I just started to cry trying so hard to keep it in.. The kids both were crying and asking why mom. I said God decides when we get babys and right now our baby wasn't ready to be with us. I felt so bad that they had to experience all that. I had miscarriages before but all before 13 weeks. So I was wondering how this was going to work. I went into the doctors office and my doctor was out of town I had to have his back up Dr. Fitzgerald. The doctor did another ultrasound and said the baby has died and the placenta did move up. He could tell what had happened but he said my only option was to go in and deliver the baby just like I would a full term baby, I said you got to be kidding me. I felt like how could I be expected to give birth to the baby I wanted so bad and have it be dead upon arrival. It was someting I couldn't do... Why me why me I couldn't understand????? I was so mad at this point my sadness was strong I beleive I was in shock when the said I had to deliver the baby and then I began to get mad.. Angry with God. I ask myself God had to be punishing me I wasn't a good enough mom, I desreve to be punished and he picked the most horrible way possible to hurt me. I came out to the lobby where the kids waited for me, my to wonderful children I had been blessed with, and all my head was thinking was I know I could be a better mom to them but no ones perfect. I kept asking why me. By now I was balling so werethe kids. Icalled Aaron and told him, he felt so bad. I called family memebers and they felt so bad. But not a word they said made me feel better. The worst part was three of them were due to have babies that year. Which mad me mad also that God not only punished me by taking my baby away but had everyone close to me having one rubbing it into my face. I went home that night and cried and cried my body hurt I cried so much............................................................... I wanted to die I didn't want to beath another breath.......................................................The next moring I was supposeto go into a hospital and deliver a baby that was dead and leave the hopital empty handed and continue on with life. At this time that was alot to ask of me to do. That night was the first night Io truely realize how much Aaron really did love me. I knew he did, I just truely felt his love for me that night and for nights to come he just held me while I cried till Ifell alseep. I was so mad at God I hated him, why let anyone have to go thru such a inhumane thing. I know to some people my baby did take a breath so she didn't live or wasn't real. She was real to me she was my baby and I loved her and wanted her in my life and it was meanto take her from me...I went to the hospital at 5 am and cried for the 45 minute drive, mad as ever. I kept telling aaron I just don't know how I could do this. The doctor said if I din't deliver her soon I would get a bad infection because the baby had been dead inside of my fortwo weeks they beleive by the size she measured on the ultrasound. Well the nurses treated me like the wayh you treat someone who just had a family member die, they are weird and extra nice. I just was mad and sad but felt like I was living an out of body experience. They gave my an epideral they said this was necessary in case they had to go in with equipment to help the process. THey also gave my medicine to dialate me. It took all day long, just sitting there waiting waiting, annoyed... Finally I felt a little bit of pressure around 5 or 6 pm. The doctor came in and said it was time I didn't have to push the baby just fell out of me. But only part of the placenta did, so they had to use a scrapper and scrap my insides, the pain I felt it hurt and I was drugged. But the pain from him scrapping my out last for two weeks after it hurt to walk, my whole body felt bruised. So now the doctor feels I am ok, and he wantsto know if I want to look at the baby. During the process I kept my eyes closed. I was scared to look what would I see. A horrible image of what was suppose to be my beautiful baby. I said take the baby to the nursery and let me think about it. I didn't want an image in my head that would be there forever. I just wanted to dream how she would of looked like at 9 months healthy and happy. That's right they informed me it was a little girl. Aaron and I talked I wanted to look but I wasn't brave enough to. But my loving husband was. He went to the nursery and looked at our dead baby lying there. I was happy one of us was brave enough. All my life I was taught to be strong don't be weak. Crying is weak, I was told by someone during this experience that God lets people who he knows is strong enough to handle situations like this one to have a situation like this. So because I am strong and hold back emotions God picked me to lose a baby. Well then I don't want to be strong I 'll be weak. It really isn't fair my baby is dead. THe nurses took the footprints off her tiny winy feet. I only have her 15 week ultrasound picture and those footprints and a 3 inch urn with her tiny ashes. I hold all of those dear to me those are all i have to hold onto a baby I loved but couldn't have. I had to spend the night at the hospital. I woke up at 2 am and all I heard was babies crying it felt like a dagger digging further into a wound I already had in my heart. I watch TV and saw Lance MacKey win his first Ititarod. I woke up and had to check out with no baby, no baby.......... Not easy thing to do. But before I could leave i had to meet with a social worker, who kept trying to get me go to a mother's in grieving meeting. I said no it's not for me right now. She also kept saying how sorry she was those words i began to hate. It made me hurt worse, because it confirmed to me my baby was dead. You feel in denile that there is no way all that happen really happen, the best way to expalin is it felt like an out of body experience. I felt guily I couldn't look at her. Tre and Cali helped named her. Princess Leia Rose MacKay. Our little Arctic Rose. The social worker got a local funeral home to do her ashes for free. That reminds me at the hospital before 22 weeks they consider the baby to be not a baby but tissue. So they kept calling my baby tissue, not very nice that tissue to them was my precious little girl. I also could not get a birth or death certificate because of that. I am going to look into getting one, because Govenor Palin passed a bill saying they could get one at any time a baby dies. But she passed the bill in 2009. I hope they will go back and print one off for me. I left that hospital empty handed. I didn't want life to go on, because I felt like if life went on then Leia would be forgotten. So I cried and laid in bed for a week. My poor kids it wasn't a very fun spring break. Finally i pulled myself out of bed and took them to a movie Horton heres a who. I went out in public with a swollen face from crying all day and all night. I only could hear the babys crying when I was at the movie theater and at walmart. I wanted to run back to my room or cave as I felt. I didn't want to be out in public around everyone who just were living life I wanted so bad for life to hold still. I didn't want to forget my baby. I was extremely sad, mad, and depressed. Leia Rose was born and died on March 11 2008. She was the size of Aaron's hand. Her Urn is pink with a beautiful rose on it. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about her. Yes everyday got a little better as someone said it would. But I didn't want it to for a while. I also wanted to get fixed where I couldn't get prego any more, I couldn't do this again. But then Aaron and I talked and i told him I just felt empty like one more was needed. So he went away to work up north for awhile but he came back in June and I got prego again, yes probably to soon but I had my sister due in June 08 and my two sister n laws just had babies I had them in my face by pictures all the time inside just melting and crying wishing I had my Leia. I needed to write some of this down to make sure one day I can read this a not forget the details, I don't how I will ever forget. Someone said once that God is also sad to see people go thru horrible situations but it is the pain we go thru and the moments of great sadness when God is need to help us thru with faith and love at the time I only saw God as a mean man to have put me thru this. But now I can see without suffering no one would truely understand happiness. I love my chiildren that God blessed me with the ones living and the ones in heaven. I love my husbandso very much he is the best and I know nine years of marriage and we have gone from fighting to loving to really appreciating we still bicker but thats just us. We love you Leia Rose MacKay and we can't wait to hold you and see you one day in heaven.
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